Despite the impending end of the world, I’ve become a father. Apocalypse or not, we decided to bring another little person into this life, and, upon seeing the result, I have to say it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. She is beautiful and perfect and the greatest evidence I have seen for the existence of the soul.
Some other, less profound observations:
- Five days without sleep is no longer the recreational activity it once was. However, it did produce some of the same results: dry heaves, paranoia, panic. On the plus side, I’ve dropped below 160 pounds for the first time in over five years.
- As it turns out, I am a massive cliche. Bothering the ob-gyn at two in the morning, watching the heart monitor like it owed me money, nearly fainting in the delivery room, and weeping with gratitude when she took her first breath — check, check, check, and check.
- Pretty much everything you’re told in parenting classes is a lie, a dirty stinking rotten lie. But that’s okay.
- This is the third major life change my friends in high school would have bet money against. The first two were getting married and living past 30.
- It’s just poop. Change the diaper, get on with your life.
- Places my daughter has latched while looking for a nipple: pinkie, knuckle, shoulder, cheek, nose.
- My child sleeping on my chest is the greatest anti-depressant invented. Watching her sleep at 3:00 AM beats TiVo, 183 digital cable channels, and Netflix.
- While carrying her around, it’s amazing how much you can get done with only one hand. Fortunately, I have lots of practice in this regard.
- As a father, I now find the previous joke offensive.
